February 27, 2010
I gained 30 pounds after getting back from Italy last July. As of today I’ve only lost 8 of it. Extra weight is hard. I just don’t know what to do with it or where to put it when I get dressed. It is a burden and it literally weighs me down.
Fifteen times I’ve resolved to lose the weight and I barely ever make it past the first week. Somehow, somewhere I’ve lost my drive. I’ve misplaced my ambition. Being thin has become a lesser calling.
Something in my mindset needs to change. I’m just not sure what.
February 9, 2010
Every blog post I’ve written in the last Four years has been benign. Listless. Five minutes after I write them, they feel insignificant. The content is of meaning to me yet even I read them like a slideshow of other people’s grandchildren I’ve been forced to watch during an obligatory visit. I bore myself.
I’ve reflected on this. Over and over.
All my communication seems blatantly truthful. And it is. Blatantly truthful. Honest. Dull.
I have a fascination with this wholly sedate side of my life’s truth. It is necessary. Necessary for stability. Necessary to mask my unrest. Maybe necessary to tame it.
I don’t like it. I need a new form for my honesty. I need change.
February 8, 2010
I’ve decided to prioritize my days in a different way. I am not accomplishing as much as I thought I would this year so something has to change. I have lost 11 of the 50 lbs I wanted to lose but that is mainly because I had a three day bout with the flu that left me weak and thinner. I don’t recommend that as a diet plan. I haven’t read any books or finished any projects. I have cleaned up an awful wood mess behind my house that mr. husband created.
I have lots of excuses as to why I am getting less and less productive. None all that great. Most not good at all. I think I’ll go read my Resolutions for this year and get back on track.
January 19, 2010
Every time I think I am getting ahead or mastering life somehow, I seem to get knocked back and shaken up just enough to feel like a total loser. I feel totally hopeless for awhile, then I get over it. I get up again sometimes learning something from it, sometimes not. This week was filled with bad news and my kids really got me down. I’m still in the hopeless stage.
In the midst of it my sister sent me this photo and suggested I build something similar for all my kids who keep coming home to live. As if I didn’t feel white trash enough.
January 14, 2010
If I could I would keep all my money in a ceramic orange pig with cream colored polka dots. I would fill it up, then send it to someone who would use it to feed the hungry, then I would buy a different one and begin to fill that, too. If I could I would never go in a “real” bank again.
I dislike banks, avoiding them like elevators, oceans and the smell of Brut aftershave, all of which leave me slightly unnerved. I once went 7 years without stepping foot inside one, then another three, then two. I used an ATM machine once almost 10 years ago, then twice last year before Christmas. I will probably not use one again for years. I don’t like banks and I don’t know why. I suppose I could spend hundreds of hours in therapy. I could talk about how all my phobias and the traumatic events that caused them. I could spend so much money trying to discern why I didn’t like banks that I would have no more need of a bank. Or I could just accept it as a part of my quirkiness and avoid them. It’s worked so far…
January 13, 2010
I couldn’t find a calendar big enough so I grabbed some old 23” x 35” pieces of parchment paper from the storage room, plugged in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs to watch while I worked and set about making my own calendar. I have January – June finished.
January 7, 2010
In 2009 I had a financial setback that was both unexpected and maddening. My first reaction was disappointment, then anger, then eating. I gained 25 pounds and began to feel quite frumpy. I imagined that this would be the final blow to my dreams of going back to school or traveling to just a few more not so exotic places.
It may be, it may not be that final blow. Either way, it does not change what I dream but it is changing who I am. It is most definitely changing who I am.
This doesn’t mean that I believe in the old falsehood, “Whatever doesn’t kill you just makes you stronger.” I don’t believe it at all. It is a lie told by religious zealots who oppress others and convince them they will be better for it. It is a lie told by stupid people who think denying the truth will somehow make it go away. Some things leave you weak and some things leave you worse off. Not every hardship makes you stronger. Oh well, strong is often overrated.
I’m improvising my life a little, now. I’m getting a little more creative and a little more disciplined. You’ll never catch me saying that this setback was actually a blessing in disguise – because it isn’t – but I can make the most of it. Maybe, for me, the saying would more accurately read, “Whatever doesn’t kill you, can certainly force you to be more creative.
January 6, 2010
Resolution #1: Lose 50 pounds. This may be overkill so when I get close to losing 40 I may revise this number.
Resolution #2: Read 50 books before Thanksgiving.
Resolution #3: Finish 50 projects around the house. (Yes, I have at least that many piddly projects that need to be finished.)
Resolution #4: Blog at least 50 times.
Resolution #5: Take the time to convert all videos to DVD’s and distribute to family members.
Resolution #6: Scan and copy all photos to DVD’s and distribute to family members
Resolution #7: I will get back to writing – something more than blogging. Maybe journaling, maybe poetry, maybe something else.
Resolution #8: I will exercise on a regular basis
Resolution #9: I will relearn the math I have forgotten
Resolution #10: I will overhaul my wardrobe
You can find my 2010 Resolutions/Goals and any updates here.
